Why is it so Hard to be Honest???

Earlier this week Nick and I had what I like to call a heated discussion. Long story short it was due to me not speaking up about what I want/need. Instead I tend to drop (sometimes vague) hints. This particular situation it caused Nick to be stuck between a rock and a hard place. It was either come with me to a baseball game and miss out on some solo time, or stay behind and feel guilty that he hadn’t come with me.

I have taken full responsibility for this, and there is still a punishment to be paid. Not because he lost his solo time, but because I did what I always do. I keep my feelings, wants, needs, and desires secret. It drives him insane. This has been a flaw that needs to be fixed for a while.

I didn’t speak up and it has caused me to be introspective. Why don’t I just tell him what I need/want/or how I am feeling? I have decided that I am either afraid to tell him, or part of me is still living in the past. Having a fear of being honest and talking to your dominant is not a situation you want in a D/s relationship. Thankfully I don’t think this is the situation.

I really think the problem is the time I spent alone. For nearly a decade I had to take care of myself. Showing any sign of weakness was not allowed. Doing so left me open for attack whether it be my own emotions, my child, coworkers, ex-lovers, co-workers, work, or school. I was constantly strong, until I went to bed and cried myself to sleep most nights.

My biggest dream was to find a man that was strong enough to make me feel safe and protected. To understand that I needed to be weak and be willing to shoulder the weight while I was vulnerable. Someone who would see my strength and easily over-power it.

Just as I was giving up hope on my dream, I finally found Nick. He was everything I had been dreaming of, and more. Not only was he strong enough that I felt safe in being weak, but he also didn’t run when I told him my interest in kink. Instead, he embraced it. Talking him into exploring this lifestyle didn’t take much, and he took to it so well. It was as if he had been ignoring a big piece of his personality his entire life.

Nick is perfect for me, but I still struggle to tell him my feelings. He has never been angry or judgmental when I tell him what is on my mind, but I am always afraid he will be. This fear is unwarranted, and it isn’t fair to him that I do this. Someday I will be perfectly honest with him and be the perfect submissive by doing so. I guess in the meantime at least this gives him something to punish me for, because to be honest I don’t give him many opportunities otherwise.

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