Lately I have really been struggling to be a good submissive. My brain is so full with work, how I am going to spend time with the baby, how household chores are getting done, and baseball. At the end of the day I forget what other duties are expected of me.
The first month at my new job I was away from Nick and the house and I fell out of my normal routines. Then when I got home for good I couldn’t just go back. My schedule went from being set to random days and times. It has been really hard to get myself into a groove that works.
I go to bed and think about all of the tasks and chores I didn’t get done and at the same time think about how much I just don’t care that it didn’t get done. Starting about 2 hours before we go to bed all I can think about is going to sleep. I am so drained.
I think part of it may be due to “Introvert Hangover” (yes it is a thing. https://introvertdear.com/news/introvert-hangover-signs/ ) This new job requires me to be more outgoing and chipper all of the time. Unlike my last job where I locked myself in my office all day and didn’t speak to anyone unless I wanted to. Now I wander the store, chatting with all of the team members in their red shirts and ask them about theft trends in their area so I can be on the lookout. While also enforcing safety policies. It is EXHAUSTING.
I feel the worst about not being there for Nick and not spending as much time with the kids as I used to. Nick has been understanding, but I think it is starting to wear on him too. I can see him getting more agitated lately, and we are both needing time to reset and figure out how this is all going to work. The problem is I am usually too exhausted to do that. Eventually we talk about it and agree to some simple things for me to do, and I can’t even remember to do them. I am talking undressing him when I am home or laying out pajamas when I am working late simple. Can’t do it. Can’t remember to get it done.
I don’t want to admit defeat. I want to get back because I think I (we) really need it, but lately I feel like anything we try I am just going to fail at anyway because my head isn’t in the right space for it.